Why Fear Should be Your First Focus

Who knew Chinese Medicine could completely change how you see the world? I work with Chinese Medicine and have been using Classical Chinese Medicine to help people improve their internal dialogue and transform their daily interactions. They are the bravest people I know. Sometimes, to change your outlook on life, you have to face your darkest fear.

I know – you don’t have a dark fear. Your life is good. You feel sorry for those people who have these dark fears and realize they must have come from a very troubled house. 

To be afraid of something can be a healthy response. In fact, celebrated when the response keeps you safe. What happens when fear isn’t a response to something that can harm you but is a reaction to a current event? What happens when fear is the internal emotional turbulence which affects your interactions with others and not your physical safety?

It made me think of how we communicate. I thought about the verbal and physical body language. When I started working with Classical Chinese Medicine to bring your internal dialogue back into harmony, I became captivated with communication.  

You have a family where you were taught behaviors, emotions, community, and more. These experiences and learnings you applied outside your family and found friends and relationships based on what you learned growing up.  

I worked in large Corporations. I moved and traveled a lot. Finally, travel became exhausting. At first, it had been an exciting experience of different social and cultural norms, different ways of communication, different expectations. After years, I found it draining and stressful. When I made my last move, I remember looking for a location with people who had similar values to where I grew up without the snow. 

When my husband and I finally met, I was tired of the dating scene, the bar scene, and the lack of connection. The lack of connection was probably the biggest concern. If you can’t connect, how can you be understood? If you can’t connect, how can you recognize somebody? 

The whole world is based on interactions. Everything is this noisy box of you reaching out to connect and reacting to your interpretation of the feedback. You change behaviors or environments to attain the most emotionally pleasing response. And you rinse and repeat.

These experiences taught me communication was more than words and body language. Part of the conversation was discounted. Part of what happens in communication was social norms, shared experiences, social conduct, and cultural expectations. Yet, when I was looking for something familiar, what I was really looking for was the ability to connect. I was looking for a connection based on prior experience. And all my previous experiences created my internal dialogue.

So, the most emotionally pleasing response was not necessarily a good one.

I had a client who had to give presentations. He had thought he was horrible at giving presentations, and he wasn’t valuable enough to speak to other people. This would cause him nervous anxiety. He would sweat and shake, and it would take over his mind. Though what he was thinking was not reflected from the outside world, he couldn’t see that. His prior experiences had created an internal perception of himself that he could not give up. And then his mind started taking over. The brain does that. If the lesson was you are not valuable enough, but your outside environment is not reflecting back that information, there is disbelief. The disbelief encourages the internal chatter to increase until you overcome or succumb. 

Most times we succumb and continue to live a life we don’t want to live.

I think the people I work with are the bravest people I know. When you want to change, you have to face these internal demons or acknowledge they exist. This chatter that you learned from your youth insidiously plays in your head. The chatter is background noise that keeps playing over and over. It’s your self-judgment and self-criticism. It says things like I can’t do that. I’m not worth that. I’m not that. The talk is so entrenched in your psyche that you don’t even hear it anymore. Still, every one of your interactions is tuned in and ensures you stay in the role created in your head.

By seeking what is familiar, you are guaranteed to play out the role you are playing in your head.  

I had another client who finally left a horrible relationship and found a fantastic partner. Not an easy thing to do. But, even with a great partner, the internal dialogue played its insidious tune in the back of their mind, “You are not worth this relationship. They will leave you. It’s not safe…” It was scary to be so vulnerable. It was scary to find yourself in a position that actually challenged your internal dialogue. It was frightening to go after a connection you really wanted because if that failed, would it prove all your worse inner beliefs about yourself?

These thoughts are life-threatening because you can’t get away from yourself. So, they can destroy your life. 

When faced with something life-threatening, you get busy. Busy, busy, busy, so you don’t have to hear that little voice in the back of your mind scaring you. You work really hard to stop hearing that voice. And the endless activity is part of the destructive sequence of finally succumbing to your past and seeking something familiar. 

Why this ultimately becomes destructive is by being busy you are avoiding the “problem.” You are trying to repress the fear. Fear is uncomfortable, so who wouldn’t want to suppress that? In Chinese Medicine, when you try to avoid examining an emotion, it causes energy to block in your body. The energy is blocked, but the feeling doesn’t go away. Instead, it gets bigger and bigger. Like a river flowing to a dam, the water doesn’t stop, and the dam creates a pond, then a lake, then an ocean. Finally, it breaks the barrier and causes massive flooding downstream.

When your dam breaks, you retreat from the thing that is causing you the discomfort and seek more familiar shores. Every time you reach for what you really want, you are challenging what you were taught to believe about yourself. You are stepping out of your safety zone of what is known and entering into a free fall. Can you trust yourself enough to know you will survive?

Dams are managed because without letting water out in controlled spills, the water will destroy the dam.

For you to change your world and obtain a bigger and better life, you have to face your internal fears in controlled bursts. Fear is the problem. The fear may be a belief that acknowledging what your inner dialogue is saying about you will make it true. That is not what happens. By avoiding your internal dialogue, you create the energetic back-up, which will ultimately destroy your dam and your chance of changing. By hearing your inner talk, you allow the tremendous internal sadness that has attached to each one of those self-judgments and criticisms to be released from you. You allow yourself the opportunity to be present in the current moment instead of the past. 

One of the beauties of Chinese Medicine is its ability to identify the blocks and help open the gates allowing the stream of emotions to come through in a safe environment. You can see these emotions in their raw presentation, without fear, and they become understandable and lose their power to control you.

Other things help you face your fear. Meditation can allow your mind to release the fear. Writing will enable you to free form and find a way to your own answers. Friends, counseling, music, positive affirmations.

Fear that has no basis in our physical well-being has a basis in our mental well-being. My inner dialogue is my opportunity to change my world. Every day is an opportunity to face my fears. Finding what the fear is hiding is the puzzle. As soon as you can find what fear was hiding and acknowledge it, you release it.

Good-luck on your journey.

Halfway to Heaven and Earth, a roadmap to inner peace using the trinity and self-cultivation in Chinese Medicine

Not a day passes me by where I don’t think about my life, my spirituality and how to find greater inner peace. Each time I attain a new level of awakening and understanding I think to myself, “Ah, I’m here, I’ve finally made it.” As I sit and rest and look around, I find I’ve only removed part of my blindfold. Being able to see more clearly, I see new opportunities and new clarities. 

I can stop if I want. So, as you go on your journey to your own inner peace, remember you can stop at any time. Each step forward brings a more beautiful environment than the previous one. Stopping in a more beautiful place seems o.k. to do. 

What is the trinity of heaven-body-earth in Chinese Medicine? The trinity of heaven-body-earth is a Taoism principle and gives guidance on how to interact with the world. It is a roadmap to the city of inner peace. You don’t have to try and figure out how to get to inner peace or what it means. Instead, you can look at the roadmap, determine where you stand on the map and where to make your adjustments in your journey

I focus on the emotional and spiritual aspect of our lives in my practice…how to get to that inner buddha. So, I’m going to talk about a very narrow aspect of this trinity as it relates to our internal chatter and internal emotional environment. And I’m going to share with you some checks you can use on yourself to start identifying more informed choices for yourself.

In Chinese Medicine, the trinity helps define three realms of being a spiritual human. Heaven is your relationship to your identity, the body is your interaction with the world, and earth is your physical body. The three realms mark your existence and are not separate from each other. They are intertwined and happen simultaneously.   

Heaven is your identity or the inherent qualities of mind and character. The qualities change through interaction with other people, especially through your childhood interactions. 

To get more information on how Chinese Medicine sees this check out my Youtube video “Forgetting What We Were Taught” or “Using Chinese Medicine to Feel Normal Again” or my blog “Changing your life isn’t as mysterious as it sounds.”

 The body is your interaction with the world. Your choices to interact in one way or another. 

Earth is how your decisions impact your body.

In Chinese Medicine, there is always a yin and yang. You want to be at the point of balance between the two polar opposites. Let’s look at the point of balance for each of the three realms.

For heaven, balance is compassion. You can change your character with compassion. Without compassion, your personal faults are unforgivable. With compassion, anger and greed don’t take over. 

For the body, balance is wisdom. Wisdom is the ability to choose a course of action with the best positive impact. With wisdom, grudges don’t rule your activities. 

For earth, the point of balance is reason. Reason is the ability to use your mind to think and understand rationally what is happening. To see the situation clearly without resentments. 

Each of these three realms happens simultaneously and without any effort on your part. I was at dinner the other night and in a conversation when I noticed my internal dialogue was going off the charts. I realized it happens all the time. I was just quiet enough to hear it that time. 

But, we usually are not quiet. So, how can you become more aware of how your realms are doing? Ask yourself some simple questions.

  1. Heaven asks the question, “Is there any anger? How do I feel when people go against me?”
  2. The body asks, “Am I content? Do I show favoritism?”
  3. Earth asks, “How was my conduct and can I change something?”

Finding inner peace is about getting to know yourself in ways you haven’t previously discovered. It is a road that you must walk on your own. You will find guideposts to help you choose your direction. Guideposts are any resource you use to help you navigate through your journey. They can be gurus, practitioners, books, videos, conferences. Guideposts help your journey go faster because you don’t have to reinvent the wheel. 

At any time, you can sit down and say, “I’m o.k. with here.”

Uncomfortable being alone? 6 strategies to help you avoid your alone time.

Did you ever wonder why you don’t like spending time by yourself? 

I’m going to share with you how Chinese Medicine sees this and then take you through six simple strategies you can do to help work through your alone time.

Every aspect of Chinese medicine identifies how emotions and mental outlook affects your health. When it comes to your emotional and spiritual life impacting your health, most people know the Type A personality can create heart attacks. Chinese Medicine sees repressed rage and resentment as a significant player in breast cancer. Most of my breast cancer patients have high levels of repressed anger and resentment.

Chinese Medicine has your emotions and mental attitude as prequels to physical disease. Each of the five yin organs has the responsibility to express different feelings. These emotions can have a positive or negative effect on your health. The five emotions that can take away from your well-being are anxiety, sorrow, fear, anger, worry.

Most of the time, being uncomfortable when alone is about how you learned to treat yourself as a child. To get more info on this, check out my video, “Forgetting What We Were Taught,” or “Using Chinese Medicine to feel normal again,” on Youtube.

Spending too much time with these negative feelings changes your internal chatter. Your internal self-talk becomes critical. I call this internal chatter the three deaths: criticism, blame, and self-judgment. Three different and damaging ways you learned to communicate with yourself. Being that you can’t get away from yourself, negative self-talk can be very harmful. It’s like being around a bully 24×7. The only way to get away from the bully is by hiding with other people.

Criticism finds fault and disapproves of an action you’ve taken. You might say something like, “I could have done that better. I didn’t schedule my time well.”  

Blame finds your actions unfavorably caused or influenced the outcome of a situation. When you see fault with your efforts, you might say things like, “If I hadn’t done that, this would not have happened.” Every once in a while, you might be at fault. More likely, you are blaming yourself for things that are out of your control. You have enough to do taking responsibility for your actions. You don’t need to own someone else’s actions.

Self-judgement is an unfavorable personal critique of you and who you are. You might say something like, “I’m always causing problems.” Or, “I’m a bad person.” 

Self-judgement is a way to ensure you don’t interact with the world or try new things. Self-judgment isolates you from doing and trying to do something you want to do.

These three voices are a crucial reason why spending time alone can be so uncomfortable. The three deaths work together. You’ll find all three traveling around in your head at the same time.

Here are six simple strategies you can do to help avoid your alone time and the three deaths. 

  1. Exercise can kick off the endorphins which boost mood. If you’re in a depressive funk, try jogging or some physical activity that pushes your limits. When the sweat starts rolling, so will the endorphins. With exercise, you don’t have to interact with others, but you’re not digging on being alone and want to release the emotions.
  2. Pick up a hobby. You don’t have to like the first one you pick up. Just pick up a hobby. Try it out and see if you like it. If you are uncomfortable meeting new people, maybe learn a new musical instrument. You can take one-on-one lessons and be around someone in a controlled environment with your small talk already identified. There is a time limit on how long you need to interact, and you don’t have to worry about making friends.
  3. Pick up yoga, qigong, or taichi. Each of these practices helps you get more in touch with yourself and helps to quiet your self-talk. The classes also give you an opportunity to meet others and practice small talk. Because a class is a specific amount of time, you can gain comfort in knowing a time limit exists. But, you have the option to try and make friends here, and can decide to get a coffee or sandwich afterward. To help ground yourself before going, try out one of my “Finding Balance” tools.
  4. Cruise Meetup.com. Meetup.com is a website that allows people to create online groups and organize in-person activities based on the group. You can find people with similar interests in your local community. You can attend an event. The benefit of meetups is about three-quarters of your “meeting new people” anxiety will already be addressed. You know what to small talk about, people have similar interests to you, and they want to meet other people. If you need help settling your nerves before going, try this powerful but simple breathing exercise.
  5. Try one of the geo-tracking games like Pokemon Go. Sure it’s a boomer thing, but you’re lonely, and you don’t like being by yourself. Besides that, boomers are usually friendly and easy to interact with. Sure, you might not want to go out and have a beer with them. But, you’re going to find you might enjoy talking with them and hearing some supportive comments from strangers.
  6. Search the web for local events happening around you. If you need to be around people and activity, this could be the one for you. If you want to make friends, this may be the most challenging option as you are trying to meet people in the wild. So, they’ll have their friends around them and their walls up. Unlike the previous suggestions that create a safe zone, meeting in the wild brings up everyone’s insecurities and defenses. To start doing some in-depth personal work on your insecurities, check out “Taking Back Your Power! How To Start Letting Go and Moving On from the Past.”

So, there you have it, six killer strategies to help you avoid your alone time and get you out of the house and out of your head. 

At some point and time, you’re going to want to change how you see the world and how you talk to yourself. Check out my blog or Youtube channel for tools on using Classical Chinese Medicine in your everyday life to manage your emotions. 

Or schedule a free initial consultation to learn how you can overcome your negative self-talk and sabotaging behaviors. Discover how you can create the life you want and how you can be comfortable in your skin no matter what the situation. 

Either way, we are going to talk more about this in my blog and on my Youtube channel. We’re going to talk more about things you can do to help change negative self-talk!

A New Way to Think About Fear and Life Goals; 4 Mental Tricks to Overcome Fear

I’m in the wrong place.

It’s a knock deep inside you. You can almost feel its pulse.

You’ve set a goal and things are not working out. Maybe it is time to quit.

It is called fear. I’ve spent so much time trying to find fear. If I could just find the root, I could  pull it up! End of problem.

It doesn’t have a root. In fact, it doesn’t even have a face. It sits nowhere and is everywhere. 

I have a little fear meter test when working with goals. Decide to do something new. How easy was that? Could you feel a location in the body that was impacted by your thoughts? Did you come up with something to do? How long did you take to identify something to do? When you were choosing through your options, what were the reasons for tossing out an item?

My little fear meter test helps me understand how big a problem fear is becoming with my goal. Goals are never easy to attain. Some are harder than others. When goals get harder to attain, the fear meter starts to really jump off the charts. 

Take a minute to pick up the things you were tossing out. Give them a good look over. Did fear play any part in your decision?  

Something so all-pervasive must be pretty important. I do Chinese Medicine. Why is fear so darn important from a Chinese Medical perspective, and how can I use Classical Wisdom to wrangle the best out of fear?

Fear is important. Fear is related to the kidney channel which controls our self-identity and how we physically manifest in this world. It takes the yang energies of heaven and the yin energies of earth. In the simplest context this would be sperm and egg and combines these energies to manifest a unique human being…you.  The kidney energy is the seed from which our whole life will emerge and grow. To learn more about the kidney channel in Chinese Medicine click

Ah, well then, the emotions of the kidney channel must be related to our survival. Well it is. Fear  identifies potential dangers which could impact our survival.

Things that impact my survival are good things to be afraid of. Except, there are very few threats to my physical survival. No, the threats I identify are threats to my identity or my perception of myself. These perceived threats kick off my own internal self-chatter.

Ugh! The absolute worse…having to face yourself. The external noise is just a trigger to aid your little internal voice and allow it to spew out all the self-criticism necessary to stop you dead in your tracks.  And when does my voice become loudest? When I’m running into blocks with something I want to accomplish.

If I could only remember the only person who can stop me is me. Especially when trying to attain a new goal. 

O.k., so lets say I’ve done my fear meter, and I’m realizing that fear is becoming a big player in my internal dialogue. I’m afraid…I’m afraid I won’t be able to succeed, I’m afraid of judgement, I’m afraid what I’m doing won’t work, I’m afraid of the financial impacts, I’m afraid my family counts on me, I’m afraid to meet new people. 

One of the things I do is I keep inspirational quotes around me. There are 1,000’s of inspirational quotes for you when fear gets to the point that forward progress is hindered. If you’re thinking of quitting, “Quitters never win!” Bam! Awesome quote. “Yeah, you’re right,” I’ld think to myself.

The one I’m using now is, “If it doesn’t open, it’s not your door.”

There are thousands of doors to get to your goal. This isn’t about quitting. This is about opening more doors. This is about pushing open more doors. Kick down a few doors. This is about turning every handle until you find the one that turns for you.

Awesome. But, I still need to keep my internal chatter under control. Take a few lessons from Chinese Medicine to help you keep your focus and help keep your mental attitude up when things seem down. 

  1. Support the kidney channel. The stronger the channel, the less the fear. Root vegetables are fantastic support for the kidneys. Check out my liver detox juice for winter on Youtube. Not only does it help cleanse the liver, it helps support the kidneys.
  2. Take a walk around water or under open skies to help release the nagging sensation of fear. To learn more about how to use nature to help balance your emotions check out my book on Amazon:
  3. Kindness, the kidney channel responds favorably to self-kindness. One way to be kind to fear is to take a minute to slow down. This can be especially hard when your internal chatter is saying, but my family is counting on me. Slowing down is not stopping. Slowing down is giving yourself time to see what is around you. Slowing down is giving yourself time to see the other doors around you. Put down whatever is causing the fear and pick up something less daunting. Read a short book on how someone else solved a similar problem.
  4. Reenergize yourself. You can’t do anything when you’re exhausted – mentally or physically.  I have a tendency to focus on one solution and one door when I’m exhausted. So, I take a day or two to something I really like to do. It unplugs you and picks up your energy.

 I don’t know that we are going to get around fear. But, I do know I don’t like the emotion and learning to manage the emotional energetics of fear has kept me going when my goals seemed so far out of reach.

Changing Your Life Isn’t as Mysterious As it Sounds

WARNING: SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t binge watched the new Dracula series on Netflix, this is a spoiler on the ending.

So, I focus on helping people live the life the want to live instead of living the life they were taught to live. Not an easy thing to do especially when your internal chatter keeps telling you negative stories about who you are.

I think I was lucky to find Classical Chinese Medicine. Or maybe I was suppose to find it. I remember way back in the ‘70’s wanting to be a Classical Chinese practitioner. So, maybe it was my destiny. It was through Chinese Medicine, I was finally able to find a way to set down the demons of your internal chatter. Not just teach you tools to try and manage your response, but to allow you to stop having that response all together. To forget it ever happened. To enable you to cross the river of Lethe one more time.

For some, searching for a better life is not a choice. There is an underlying drive forcing you to search for a different way of living. Yet, you find yourself trapped in your current way of living like a mouse in a maze.

In Chinese Medicine, you establish yourself in this world during your first cycle. For girls that is seven years and for boys it is eight years. Your immune system becomes fully developed in the first cycle. Your immune system is what protects you from the world. In Chinese Medicine, the immune system is more than just your white blood cells. You learn the mental and emotional skills to protect you from the world. Then you spend the rest of your life practicing your skills until they become body memory.

That also means you may have surrounded yourself with other people whose actions and behavior fit nicely into your beliefs and behaviors. As much as you want change, it will take more than desire.

All personal change has one critical lesson you must be willing to face. If someone is not ready for change, they will use everything at their disposal to avoid change. They will push back and sometimes aggressively.

That is the nature of change. When you are changing, everyone around you is impacted by your change. And your change will force those around you to look at themselves. Many people don’t like doing that. So, they may try to pressure you to stay inside the lines. Lastly, as you change, you will naturally attract different people to you and the old ones will leave.

How do you maintain your path to a better life when so many people are pushing you to stay in your box? That is the power of Chinese Medicine and the concept of buddha.


I really liked the new Dracula series on Netflix. The story was the same story I’ve seen in every Dracula movie with a twist. There was a 20th century human side given to Dracula. Today, with the speed of the internet human interaction and human separation is evolving at dizzying speeds. The sheer volume of information becomes suffocating. That is the 20th century human side to life – being overwhelmed, unbalanced and confused due to the sheer volume of issues, change, and the speed of time.

In the end, this Dracula turned into a sort of Grimm Fairy tale highlighting key lessons from Daoism….

I hear ya! Really! I obviously have too much time on my hands.

But when you talk about the “deve” who are a superior race with these superhuman gifts and these transcendence abilities, Count Dracula can be an amazing story of a deve who experiences self-actualization. Lost in a free fall of despair, Count Dracula finally faces himself and is able to rise again.

I especially like Episode 3 where Count Dracula has made it into the 20th century and has taken hostage a 20th-century host in her house. The house is a mess of discarded consumerism and the homeowner reflects the house is a dump.

But, Count Dracula says, “I’m assuming you have staff. You are clearly very wealthy…look at all this stuff. All this food. The moving picture box. And that thing outside, Bob calls it, um , a car. Is that yours? And this, this treasure trove is your house…never have I stood in greater luxury than surrounds me now.”

Wow, huh? What a realistic impression a person from a different century would have. I forget how very comfortable existence is today. That one scene brought it back. For Dracula, not only the house, but the whole 20th century world was a treasure trove of insatiable desires. And like Count Dracula, many today are on an endless search for insatiable comforts.

The endless search is a distraction. and we use distractions every day to avoid facing ourselves and our interaction with the world. Food is the most common choice for distraction. How many people do you know who search for the ice cream in the middle of the night and can eat a whole quart?  In Chinese Medicine, you can stuff your emotions by eating things like ice cream which is damp producing. Damp, like a muffler, muffles the emotions.

Now, the other part that I really loved about the series was the last scene. Count Dracula has had an abnormal infatuation with a nun and her family bloodline. And why does he have this abnormal infatuation with this nun? Because she reflects what he wants. In fact, what is really amazing is how brutal he is to this nun as he covets and torments what he desires.

Very similar to what happens today when someone sees in another what they covet. They become very aggressive, covetous, and tormenting towards this other person.

Dr. Zoe Helsing confronts Count Dracula with a mirror that reflects back to him his deepest fear. The weird thing about deep fears, in Chinese Medicine, everything has two sides. Your deepest fear is opposite your greatest desire.

I could almost feel the clock ticking. Would he accept his deepest, darkest demon or would he deny himself and continue on the karmic wheel. Every Dracula movie I’ve watched, Count Dracula refuses to acknowledge his deepest, darkest demon and is killed by the universe with a stake through the heart.

What I found amazing in this series, is faced with the truth, Count Dracula accepts the answer and is finally able to do what he has feared the most. Well, in the language of the deve, he was one of the few that was able to face himself and gain compassion…self-compassion.

And it’s only through self-compassion that we can have compassion for others. What is the test of your self-compassion meter? Listen to what you say to yourself. How many times do you criticize yourself? How many times do you reward yourself?

Every journey starts with one step. I challenge you to start practicing a rule of 5 positives to 1 negative. Practice on others and then practice on yourself. I say this because if you strongly critize yourself, it will be very difficult for you to find your own self beauty. Yet, you can really push yourself and see these things in others.

Find something positive even if it is how they brushed their hair today or how they helped clear dishes after dinner. Whatever it is, acknowledge it. When you get some skills at this, then start practicing on yourself.

All the information here and on my Youtube channel is here to help you get tips and techniques to start changing your internal world into the life you want to live instead of the life you were taught to live. I use these tools in clinic when working with others to help them transcend their past and the world they were taught to live.

You have something important to offer this world. It’s a whole lot easier to find when you are on your side.