Toxic Personalities, Toxic People

When You Realize Your Part of the Toxic People and How to Walk to Healthier Ground

I’ve spent time wondering about how different each person is in this universe. What triggered me to think about this was when I started doing chakra work on myself and my clients.

I like trying out things before I use them on my clients, but when I started working with chakras, that wasn’t possible. It wasn’t possible because there were so many different patterns, and each person had different blocks.

I found I was mixing and matching needles in creative and unique ways that fit the presented pattern. It was so different from all the other work I was doing on people, and the results were specific to the individual. Unlike other emotional and spiritual treatments where people traveled similar paths, here, each individual struck it out on their own.

It was this chakra work that opened up another door of understanding for me. I couldn’t understand why not everyone wanted to work on some of the spiritual questions in life. This thing about being human has so many different dimensions and resonants on so many different levels, why would someone want to stay only on the three dimensions?

The chakras helped me see the three-dimensional world we live in has just as many journeys and experiences as our inner quests. The three-dimensional world has sights and sounds from a thunderstorm to the smell of freshly cut grass. The world stimulates our senses. For some of us, that is enough.

I offered a client a choice the other day on proceeding along a spiritual path or not. He asked me what I would do? It was an interesting question because that question made it very clear how different we are. It wasn’t a fair question because I would answer from my perspective on life where I’ve spent a lifetime searching for more meaning to life and trying to attain the point of perfect disengagement. My desires would be different from his.

I was sitting on my window bench, petting my cat, wondering about people and the differences. In my mind, the world became such a fantastic place of sites and sounds: pacing, jogging, sitting, walking, and talking. It was like billions of carefully cocooned bubbles jostling through the world.

I forget what I was reading. Something on ancient mythology and the gods. One god had said of people, “They have become so noisy, I can’t sleep.” Then I remember the quote from “I Am Legend,” where Anna asks Dr. Neville if he can hear the survivor settlement because the world has gotten quieter.

What caught my attention was my internal chatter. I had frustration with people who didn’t want to delve deeper into their psyche and find out how to release their inner demons. I was frustrated because the results were much more vibrant and accepting on the other side. It was better for them. It was better for their kids. It was better for the world.

I noticed my inner chatter for a second time. The first time was in a conversation with my husband. I was sharing with him my thoughts on how I was going to handled something. He had another opinion which I “knew” was wrong. I got frustrated that he couldn’t see what I was saying because he had another way of looking at it.

I’ve spent a lifetime not registering this inflexibility in me. It was because I had been clearing out one of my chakras that I started noticing this inflexibility. When doing inner work, they say you will see what you are ready to understand and nothing more. You’ll see what you can handle. Sometimes it’s just a quick glimpse. Sometimes its something that you experience over and over. Sometimes you’ll see it and understand it and let it go.

The clearer this chakra became, the more I saw my inflexibility through my “one opinion for all” stance. It threw me for a loop. I think what threw me even more, is that I caught myself again and again. Each time I was surprised, I was doing it, “What? I’m doing it again? Why can’t I stop doing this?” I was expressing a deep inner need to be heard and understood that expressed itself through inflexibility.

But then my thoughts started changing. If my opinion wasn’t right for everyone, then everyone has the opportunity to have a different view. And then I started wondering about right or wrong, because society becomes part of the equation and our need to live most harmoniously with others. Beliefs, when implemented, can be harmful to others.

An example is genocide. This belief is very harmful. So, genocidal views are wrong based on moral concerns.

I guess I am a little incredulous I still have debates on morality. One definition of morality is not to harm. This fits well into Taoism with its participation without engagement. Maybe this is a definition I could hold until I can let go of my need to be heard.

And these conversations are not so much hurting the other person as hurting me. That very inflexibility and belief that I’m right and the other person is wrong is like an ultimatum. There is no room for negotiation with an ultimatum.

Ultimatums break down relationships with their either do it my way or not at all mentality. They move the conversation from a chat to a command. Funny, I didn’t even notice it happening. I thought we started out discussing a topic, and suddenly I was angry and belligerent, pressing my opinion and hurting myself by breaking down relationships.

So, I’m trying to pause for the cause of humanity – my own.

I’m going to acknowledge that frustration is my warning trigger. I’m going to spend more time evaluating these conversations.

I’m going to realize there are different qualities of relationships in my life. Family and friends are the most important, and everything I learn is to enhance those relationships. These hold the most profound conversations. And the quality of relationships decreases until you reach post interactions on social media with people you don’t know or interact. These are non-conversations and never were a conversation.

I’m going to think about boundaries and where I need to create boundaries. These are boundaries for myself as well as others. A boundary for myself is restricting my communication to high-quality relationships where a chance for a conversation exists. Part of that would be placing limitations on social media participation.

I’m going to re-focus on what is essential in life and assess conversations which help or hinder that. I’m going to disentangle myself from a conversation that starts spiraling down. And, I’ve got to be honest with myself, this isn’t going to work with everyone, and it’s not going to be easy. It’s o.k. to give yourself or a friend a time-out, and sometimes a ban.

Hopefully, at the end of this, I can participate without becoming entangled. Hopefully, I can help myself disengage from a one-sided, overbearing push of my opinion and remember how to converse. By doing this, I hope I can better emulate a place for everyone.